“Please pray with me. I can’t keep this up. I have to realize that I can’t make it perfect, and honestly, I don’t even want to even if I could. I’m tired of this.”

That was the exact line I said to my husband, Michael, about ten minutes before God would give me just such an opportunity to test how genuine I was. We were hosting a dear couple from church over to our house for a pasta bake dinner, and I was both excited and a little stressed-out since it was their first time visiting us at home. I love this man and woman who God quite literally brought into our lives in such a sweet way, so of course I wanted to make the evening as enjoyable as I could. But with three little boys running around, a seven-week-old baby, and being a sleep-deprived postpartum mom myself, I heavily questioned how I could pull off the quiet and relaxed evening I had hoped I could force it to be.

Honestly, I’m not too sure when I started the cycle of panic cleaning anytime, I knew someone would drop by. Our house is lived in, but never dirty or too out of sorts. I love to steward it well, and nothing feels as good to me as a clean and cozy house. So, I could never pinpoint why I would feel such a sense of panic when someone would send a text that they’d be coming over, and then all of a sudden instead of seeing my cozy, lovely, life-filled home, I would see every crumb under the table, the clump of dog hair spinning under the air vent, and all the little Legos strewn around the living room. I would get more done in that following ten-minute freaked-out speed clean than I would in a normal given day.

And. It. Drove. Me. Nuts.

Ever get like that? Where you know something about you isn’t the healthiest thing for you or for those around you? Well, me too. In that ten-minute speed clean, I also became probably the most stressed-out version of a mom that the boys would ever see. Something had to change. Who was I trying to impress and please? The scripture from Galatians 1:10 would gently run across my mind. “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

Well, with the help of Michael and the boys, we spent a big chunk of our day cleaning in prep for the dinner, and I was finally ready in my heart for something to change. I truly love to host friends and family and to make them feel welcome and at ease in our home, but that sense of peace and calm that I wanted everyone (myself included) to feel when they walked through our door couldn’t be found if I couldn’t surrender this unhealthy striving for perfection. So, I hit my limit. I asked Michael to agree in prayer with me, and he held my hands as I asked for forgiveness and a new outlook on welcoming people into our home- Legos, dog hair, crumbs, and all. I smiled at Michael and went back to pulling dinner out of the oven and getting the last few items on the table. One of the boys was sitting at the window and announced our sweet friends were pulling up the road, and it was at that exact moment that I jumped at the sound of glass breaking in the living room…and the panic I just prayed about giving up rose right back up in me.

My favorite three-wick candle I had lit for the evening had just been knocked over and shattered by flailing little boy hands. Melted wax had splattered all over the living room wall, a bookshelf, and our very pretty ‘new’ wood floors. The guilty eight-year-old boy looked at me with eyes wide, and I could see he was mentally calculating how Mom would react. I wanted to panic, cry, and laugh at the uncanny timing of it all at once. I took a deep breath before he and I both got on our knees to start cleaning while Michael went to welcome our guests and probably prep them about what they were about to walk into. But in those short few moments I realized how I handled this would matter. Not just for me, but for my son. I cupped his face into my hands and looked straight into his eyes and said: “I was surprised by the sound of the glass breaking, but I love you more than that candle.” His eyes showed relief instead of guilt, and we stood up together and said hi to the friends who were now standing behind us. I could only laugh as I hugged my friend and explained to her that only ten minutes prior I had been praying about learning to be okay with the mess. It didn’t take long at all for God to give me an opportunity to put that prayer of surrender to the test. In my head, I saw that clip from the movie Evan Almighty (big story shift here, I know) where the wife is at the diner talking to Morgan Freeman’s character, and he responds to her with a question: “If someone prays for patience. Do you think God gives them patience? Or the opportunity to be patient?”

Well, this was one of those opportunities to put into practice the heart posture I want to have. Something shifted that day. I smiled when I looked at the wax on the wall, and instead of seeing the mess, I saw God’s kindness and grace. I cleaned up the wax everywhere else, but I left some on the wall. The evening continued on, and it was such a good night of enjoying both the dinner and the company.

So friend, maybe it’s the state of your house, your clothes, your job, your bank account, your kids, your relationships, your social media, whatever it may be that you’re trying to force a polished and perfected ‘got-it-all-together’ version of you… Lift your eyes to your Heavenly Father who lovingly grabs you by the face, lifts your head, looks right in your eyes, and says, “I know you. I see you. All of you. And I love you.”

Love you, friend.