“I’m trying so hard, but I just can’t win.”
That’s what poured out of my mouth as I looked over at my husband in defeat. The tears started to well up while I was elbow deep in dishes, and once they finally squeezed past my eyelids, they didn’t plan on stopping. I was four weeks postpartum with our fourth baby, sleep-deprived, and trying so hard to figure out how to grab a handle on this new season of life. I knew I was starting to experience some postpartum anxiety with my mind constantly on a roll, but even being aware of it wasn’t helping much. I was mentally trying to figure out how to parent the boys well, eat healthy, try to rest, get in Bible time, plan dinner, clean the house, all the while not neglecting to cherish our sweet new baby girl. Everything seemed to bubble up to the surface all at once, so when the dishwasher pump gave out, and one of the boys dumped a dirty bowl we use for the chickens into the sink full of the dishes that I was attempting to clean- well, I was primed for a good meltdown.
That was the moment that broke me. In my mind, I knew the truth: he was a young boy and truly didn’t think anything of contaminating all of those dishes with chicken gunk. But, in that moment? It felt like everyone and everything was against me. Before I felt like it could get any worse, I knew where I needed to go. I took some deep breaths, took off the dishwashing gloves, and laid them over the sink. I grabbed my prayer journal and pen on the way and headed straight for my closet. I sat down on the floor and cried as I poured my heart out to the Lord.
“Father, I don’t know how to do all of this! I want to steward this family and this home You’ve given me well, but I just can’t keep all these plates spinning at once! How do I do all of this that I know you’ve called me to!?”
In my mind, I had this picture of me trying to balance all of these spinning plates that were floating above and around me- just encircling me with chaos. A body to take care of, a home that needed attention, family and friends to love, hobbies that I wanted to tend to, a church family to serve alongside, and of course- dishes to clean. But then, ever so subtly, that image was replaced with a picture of a simple tray. In that moment, I knew the Lord had just answered my prayer, and it all seemed so sweet and simple. I grabbed my pen and journal and drew out exactly what I felt in my heart and mind that He had just shown me.
A tray- a simple food tray with different sizes of plates that represented the priorities of my life in this season and how I could practically carry them. No longer did I see full-sized, spinning plates dancing around my head, but instead I saw them simply balanced out on a tray.
A dinner plate, salad plate, dessert plate, and a cup of cold water.
Let me explain:
The Dinner Plate: Family
The dinner plate is always the biggest plate on the tray. It’s the main course, and in this case, it’s my biggest priority in this season of life: my family. It represents my current roles as wife to Michael and mother to our three boys and our precious baby girl.
The Salad Plate: Home
The salad plate is a bit smaller than the dinner plate and represents my next priority: stewarding our home well. The laundry, the cleaning, the meals, the rhythms of our day… it all happens under this roof, and it’s important for me to keep this household peaceful and well taken care of.
The Dessert Plate: Hobbies, Dreams, & the Fun Stuff
The dessert plate is all the stuff I love, but it has to be in moderation. This is the fun stuff- the “overflow” of a balanced life. For instance, this blog, writing, and the fun I have on social media would fit on this plate. It’s the stuff that I feel God has placed desires and giftings in me for, but it can’t take center stage, or everything becomes unbalanced. Hence, it’s “dessert” for me.
A Cup of Cold Water:
The cup of cold water is refreshing, and it’s life-giving. This is community for me. This is my church family and my friendships. The people God has placed in my life to love, live, and grow alongside. I need them, and they need me. It’s not a plate to be balanced, but a necessary part of my everyday life.
The Tray:
The tray is holding all of these plates, but in a balanced way. I’m like the tray being carried and held in the hands of my Heavenly Father. When I rest in knowing that, then I can carry and steward the roles He’s given me well.
Each of these areas of my life is important, but it doesn’t mean they need to all take up the same amount of time, energy, and space in my life. When they’re in their proper place, they don’t have to compete- they work together in harmony. When I start feeling the plates get heavy, out of control, or out of balance, I now have the gift of this visual to help me put the plates down and get them back in order. And that feels like a deep, calming exhale for me.
Maybe you find that you can relate and understand this, and it’s clicking for you the same way it did for me. Maybe you’re just thinking, “Geeze, this gal is weird, and none of this makes sense.” If it all makes sense- great! And if it doesn’t, that’s okay too. Let me encourage you either way to grab a journal and pen and go sit quietly in your closet and ask your Heavenly Father to show you how to steward your own season well. He’s a good Father who cares- even about dirty dishes.
“But when you pray, go into your private room, shut your door, and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.” Matthew 6:6 CSB